However, there are a few places that when told I don't belong there I have no problem being obedient to that instruction. One place in particular is the altar area of an Orthodox parish.
It's not at all about the Orthodox Church being anti-woman or trying to "keep women in their place" but rather entirely about the role of the individuals that do step into the altar area to do the things that they do during the course of a Liturgy. Ranging from the youngest altar server carrying a candle for the procession of the Holy Gifts, to a subdeacon assisting the priest with the censer, the Deacon assisting in leading the parishioners in prayer, to the priest acting in the Bishop's steed for Christ Himself - that's some serious responsibility. Add the invisible host of angels to the mix and there's a lot of activity going on in that little space!
It's in this space that prayers for every human being are offered to Christ. Where the proclamation of belief is called for. Where the Body and Blood of Christ are prepared for those who have been preparing to receive the Divine Medicine that is needed for their bodies and souls salvation by being united mystically with Christ Himself.
For those that are unfamiliar the altar area (more correctly called the Sanctuary) is separated from the part of the parish building where the parishioners are at (called the nave) by what's called an iconostasis. In the center there is an opening large enough for various clergy to walk in and out of the altar area by. Some have a gate, others have a door that is opened and shut at various points during the service. Then on either side of this door are icons of Christ (on the right side as one looks towards the altar), the Virgin Mary (to the left), and then other key Saints on the various panels that include the Patron Saint for which the parish is named. Then there are two doors, a north and south door that have icons of St. Michael & St. Gabriel the Archangels. These doors are kept shut most of the year unless someone is entering or leaving the altar area.
However, there is a week when those doors are opened and left open starting on Pascha (Easter for those unfamiliar). They are left open to represent how the doors of Hades have been opened and death has been defeated - there is no longer the separation that there once was between God and Man.
This allows for someone like myself to do what can't be done any other time of the year: to peek inside.
On Pascha itself before the Agape Vespers I had a few minutes by myself in the nave of the church. I looked around and saw the bay leaves and rose petals still on the floor, halfway burnt candles resting either in the candle stands or the floor or on chairs waiting for their owners' return to be used in celebration again at the various services to be held that week. I could once again hear the shouts of victory, "Christ is Risen!" met with "Truly He is Risen!" as candles where raised in the air to express victory over sin and death. And then I saw the open doors.
I slowly walked over towards the door that has St. Michael on it and let myself peek my head inside the altar area and look around. More bay leaves and rose petals. More candles. The censer and incense container. The Holy Table with its white covering, with the priest's vestments neatly arranged for use at Agape Vespers (rather amazing to me seeing how they weren't removed until after 2 am the night before).
I realized I was peeking into Heaven. Eternal prayer and devotion. Being in the presence of not only the Saints of the Church but also the Angelic Host...and even Christ Himself.
Even more quickly than I'd initially permitted myself I backed away from the door and walked back over to my usual spot in the nave. People started coming in for Agape Vespers, the service began and once again the celebration renewed in community.
However, towards the end of the service with the final singing of the hymn, "Christ is Risen.." I started to get choked up. I knew it would be the last time I would get to sing this for a while. Granted, it might be mere days but when you've spent the last week-and-a-half in services...going even a day without can be hard. But I knew I had to go.
Ironically, though Lent had very much so concluded with everything that goes with it I had Adam's Lament going through my mind. A hymn/prayer sung at the start of Lent to remind us how much Adam knew what he had lost by being cast out of the Garden of Eden and why. I found myself relating to that rather strongly. I knew very much what I had gotten to experience, and didn't want to leave.
However, I comforted myself with a story I heard about Christ's harrowing of Hell. How as He was walking towards the gates of Hades to smash them there everyone who heard the steps were frightened. With the exception of one. Adam.
As the sound of the footsteps drew closer, it is said that Adam sat up and started exclaiming, "Wait! I know those footsteps! I haven't heard them since the Garden!" and he was overjoyed at being fully reunited with God once again.
Yes, I got to peek into Heaven. It broke my heart having to leave. However, I can and do trust that I will get to return with the hope that by God's grace I will one day not only get to peek into Heaven - but fully enter in and join in on what true Life really is.
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