One thing I will freely admit that I was and can still be horrible at from earlier in life was staying in touch with people via letter. I loved getting mail (what kid doesn't?), but then came the needed response on my end. Writing a letter meant sitting down with a piece of paper and a pen and...writing. I grew up at a time when writing in print and cursive were still taught in school but not to the point where your handwriting (print and/or cursive) was not only legible but even appealing. I've never been a fan of my handwriting. Writing a letter meant letting someone else play the next round of 'Decipher What Chris Wrote!' and . . . yeah. Not a letter writer.
However, with the advances in technology and the arrival of the internet I can say I'm far far better at staying in touch with people than I once was. I type much faster than I write, and I can choose what font will be on the page/screen knowing that there won't be any deciphering issues beyond poor wording/grammar on my end. I've even discovered I know more of what's going on in my classmate's lives now than I did even three years ago thanks to social networking. Amazing stuff.
Yet this comes at the cost of getting outside into the world around me and can even keep me from interacting with other people face-to-face. As one who prefers quiet and solitude more and more this can be a bad thing as I know I need other people in my life so I can learn and grow more as a human being created in God's image. At present I'm stumblingly learning how to draw a balance by letting face-to-face interaction take precedence and let online communication be a supplement when face-to-face interactions simply aren't possible for the time being (however long that 'time being' is with said individual). I've found that such relationships actually have far more depth and meaning than those that have been developed almost exclusively online because of the nuances that have been developed face-to-face are more easily interpreted online, among other things.
One of the gifts that technology has given me is the ability to read and learn things for the benefit of my spiritual life. Books and writings that I otherwise would either not know of or be able to afford have been made available through the generosity of others all over the planet. Whether that comes by way of an entire book being placed online (and several times after being translated from its original language into English!), or people reading a book and posting quotations or entire portions that they found beneficial that I too have found to be beneficial.
A specific area of my spiritual life that has benefited has been in the area of repentance. This word is a common one to anyone regardless of religious belief or the lack thereof yet what it truly means has gotten muddled over time thanks to our general fallen nature. Growing up in a society where the consequences of Schism, Reformation and the development of philosophies that glorify man instead of God run rampant certainly haven't helped either.
It is agreed that God can use a variety of means to bring a person to repentance. Something that might not catch one person's attention will gain it in full for someone else, while in reverse what would get the first person's attention would strip the latter down to the bone in every negative sense of the word. For myself, there have been times where a variety of ways have been employed to bring about my repentance, though with the most scarring elements being the consequences of my actions and not because God brought out the sledgehammer. I'm grateful that the most He's used has been a 2 x 4 to the back of my head - and every now and again literally.
However, because I now know I can't entirely trust my thinking or concepts when it comes to repentance I've learned a few things to make my desire to repent not only simpler but more genuine. Notice I didn't say easy - I am at war, most often with myself and in a fallen world war is never easy. Thankfully I am not alone in this war in light of the fact that not only is God fighting for me, but I also have my guardian angel and the prayers of Theotokos, my Patron and all of the Saints 'watching my back'.
Of the many memorable lines Yoda said to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, one that I've found very applicable as an Orthodox Christian is, "You must unlearn what you have learned." Way. Too. True.
At one time my idea of repentance meant...well, bring on the Classic Western images of Hell: Separation from God, much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and utter desolation until God came around and decided that I'd had enough and would then let me come out and start applying the lesson(s) learned.
Yet again, it's a miracle I am still a Christian today.
Instead, I have learned and am still learning that God is a loving God who lets me choose whether to repent and seek Him or run on self-will, yet waits for me to turn to Him and when I do I am fully met with His loving embrace. Yes, He lets me suffer through the consequences that I have brought on myself but each time He has also shown me how my mistakes can still glorify Him. That the pain and hurt are only there insofar as I am wanting to hang onto them, which ultimately will only stunt my growing closer to His likeness. That tears aren't a 'should' or 'maybe' but they actually play an active role in my repentance. For one who doesn't cry a whole lot to begin with, this is significant.
Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica writes that, "There are many kinds of tears." He explains that tears of repentance take place when "a person's conscience tells him that he has committed many sins" and as a result weeps. That this weeping is "an act of God's grace" and the tears wash our soul. These tears are different from the tears that simply lament getting caught or proclaim, "why me?" - neither of which are attitudes of repentance - and lead us instead to being all the more self-centered and enmeshed in our own pride. Something that definitely runs counter to seeking repentance.
Another element of 'unlearning' has been in regards to my own attitude and outlook while seeking repentance. First off, repentance is a way of life for the Christian and not something engaged in after a 'stumble' a 'backsliding' or 'utter crash and burn'. So the attitude of walking about in sack-cloth and ashes is out for the Christian (and never mind Christ Himself chastises the Pharisees for engaging in such activities anyways). Not to mention my earlier described attitude/approach towards repentance. So what are we to do?
I've been learning that the place to begin is with my thoughts. St. Paisios of Mt. Athos encourages, "In the beginning we should willingly try to develop positive thoughts, which will gradually lead us to the perfect good, God, to whom belongs every glory, honor and worship; on the contrary, to us belongs only the humility of our conceited attitude." So instead of focusing on my attitude which will only drag me further down into my pride, I instead focus on the positive thoughts that are focused on God and further away from myself.
This requires a constant questioning of my own thoughts. How often have I had a thought and tried to say that it was from God? Or worse yet - that my will was/is God's will? Too often! Because I struggle with my fallen self, I need relearn to focus on God who is holy, perfect and truly good so that the enemy can't thwart my repentance. This isn't an instantaneous thing, but something to be struggled after.
However, this again urges away from an attitude of lament and "woe is me" - rather we are to pursue joy in light of what God has done and is doing for us out of His pure love for us. Elder Thaddeus states, "Strong faith in a man's heart both requires and produces prayer, and a prayer life of many years produces love. The goal of our life is nothing other than cleansing our heart to such an extent that it is able to sing with joy. Thus, prayer of the heart leads to the joy of the heart. Nothing is difficult for a joyful person, because he has love."
This does not mean we will be freed from troubles or struggles, as they are placed in our lives for the working of our salvation. However, in seeking repentance we pursue a life of prayer and thus in developing a true love for God we resulting develop a true love for the world as well. While struggling against our own thoughts, our own fallenous we will also struggle against the efforts of the enemy of our souls because we are doing the very opposite thing that he desires that we do. He and those who follow him have thousands of years of experience in 'pressing our buttons' and trying to press us in ways that dissuade us from seeking after God. Which is why it is important to not judge others when they fall because not only does the enemy have that much more experience in comparison to our few years/decades of experience - but we also don't know the level of struggle that others engaged in to refrain from falling into a particular sin before giving into it. We only know of the outward appearance of the falling.
Which is why we must not give into despair or anxiety when we do fall, but rather continue to seek out the love and joy of God as we repent, whether it is with or without tears. As St. Paisios says, "A person must consider his sinfulness with discernment. Repentance that involves anxiety and despair is not from God: the little devil has put his tail into the mix. One must be very careful, because the devil can catch him while in repentance; and then hurl him into grief and disappointment, in order to break him mentally and physically - rendering him useless."
And finally, in truly seeking out a life of repentance there is the calling to do so joyfully for as St. James writes, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." Repentance can at times be a trial; oftentimes a trial we've voluntarily taken on by choosing to sin. However, by keeping in mind that God is a loving God consistently eagerly awaiting our return - repentance should be pursued not only in humility but also joy. For as St. Paisios states, "It is very important to live out our spiritual life with joy and freedom and not out of a pure sense of duty. We should take advantage of the little time left for us."
We only have this life in which to seek out repentance; after our repose we will no longer be able to pursue this. We won't even be able to pray for ourselves, but only for others. While this should inspire us to take repentance seriously, at the same time do so in a right, loving and even joyful attitude. Is this post a full encapsulation of what it means to seek out repentance? Hardly - these are but a few musings of mine as I go about unlearning what I have learned and am now truly learning to repent by God's grace.
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