Growing Pains of a Different Variety

When it comes to certain aspects of my growing up, there is one item in particular that I have to think about to remember: growing pains. I got them so infrequently that when they did appear not only did my Dad almost always have to remind me what was going on but also make it quite clear that no I was not going to need crutches to get around. This stands in stark contrast to friends then and now recounting their physical growing pains over the years. Then again, they all have more height than I do so it stands to reason they'd have more memories of them. The most random case was when a friend actually started growing again in her mid-20s. The experienced served as a reminder as to why teenage guys are so 'fidget-y' in class - the painful tingling sensation caused by the growing pains is only relieved temporarily by continually fidgeting one's arms and legs.

However, there is a point where everyone does in fact stop experiencing them. Physically, at least. This does not mean they cease altogether, because there are growing pains one can experience of an entirely different variety. Spiritual growing pains.

Spiritual growing pains can produce one of two very different results: maturity and strength on the one hand or spiritual death on the other. This is to point out that no matter where I am in life - I am growing in one direction or the other spiritually.

Many times I would like to think that I am gaining some level of maturity, strength, and various virtues as I go about pursuing my spiritual life. However, if I am truly honest with myself I've found I'm doing no such thing. Instead of growing larger in my Faith in Christ, my ego is the one doing the growing under the guise of seeking virtue.

This isn't an easy truth to seriously face much less ponder. Particularly in light of reading about the lives of various Saints who attained great level of spiritual maturity, virtue, Christian love - and even other various spiritual gifts. However, the focus is more on the results than the struggle to get to those points. That, or my focus as I read is more on the results than the process - and it's the process that must happen before spiritual fruit of one sort or another can begin to grow. I'm ok with reading about how praying the Jesus Prayer happened spontaneously for the Pilgrim and brought him great joy - I unfortunately forget that it is a process that took years of dedicated commitment and effort on his part.

St James writes that the person who does not act on the word of God but simply listens and walks away is no better than the person who looks at their reflection in a mirror and then forgets it the moment they walk away from it. However, the one who looks into the perfect law and does it will be blessed. Yet how often I do the former rather than the latter - and then call myself a doer of the word!

All of this is a result of the fact that I am very much in need of the Great Physician's care and in my better moments by God's grace I seek it out. However, there are times when seeking it out that treatment can be and is downright painful. Being willing to look at my illnesses for what they truly are, developing a truly penitential heart/attitude and then seeking it out instead of wallowing in self-pity. Sometimes I am able to come to these realizations on my own but most of the time it is someone else that God has brought into my life to make me aware of those areas in need of healthy spiritual growth. Unfortunately, those times can be painful and my ego gets in the way inspiring me to be defensive, engage in self-justification, or even removing myself completely from where I am because of the real or perceived notion that I've been a bull in a china shop with my self-will and others have rightfully sought to preserve themselves. Resulting in my isolation which only feeds my self-pity and ego further.

However, we are not meant to heal on our own. Yes, there can be times where isolating oneself for a time can be beneficial so as to focus on prayer and truly wrestling with one's inner struggles. But on the whole we do need to engage in healing within the community that is the Church so as to not only be made aware of where we need healing but also for reassurance that yes healing is taking place. And this can come about by being told directly or in how others relate to us as we heal. Though it should be pointed out that it is better to simply act on the desire to seek healing and let the confirmations come on their own as to seek them out will only encourage the very ego one is trying to kill to instead live for another day.

This means learning to not trust my motivations, nor to do things in the hope of earning a desired reaction from someone else. Instead to foster humility and patience and be willing to learn from the bumps and falls that will happen along the way. The key will be to get back up one more time rather than staying on the ground and seeking to live out the model that Christ provided for us in our day to day lives. Even if I don't get a single acknowledgement of the growth obtained; ultimately the only person I will hear from on how successful or how much a failure my spiritual walk was is God Himself.

While physical growing pains do come to an end, the spiritual ones will continue until it's time for us to pass from this life into the next and even then I don't know if they'll truly come to a stop. However, instead of being fearful of the growing pains like I was with the physical variety - to instead welcome them and see what lessons are there before me to take on and grow from. To engage in the struggle in a self-sacrificial way that develops humility and contrition of heart such that seeking approval from others is not desired. Like the Pilgrim, while the results will be great - the process needs to be experienced fully, however short or long God has ordained it to be.

While I had no choice in the matter in regards to my physical growth I do have a choice in regards to my spiritual growth. Am I willing to work *with* God or am I wanting to run on self-will and truly becoming that bull? The choice is entirely mine - and I know what choice to make. The key is: will I make it? If I want to seek out the type of growth where the pain is for my ultimate good as opposed to another exposure of my self-will then I know where my choice will be. I just need to be willing to make it by God's grace.