Better ways to live

Something that I'm continually seeking to do is to improve my life. My spiritual life, that is. I'm not so concerned with other aspects as much like some, but there are other aspects that fall into improving my spiritual life. I eat right and do what I can to exercise because my body is the Temple of the Lord and it needs to be taken care of. This includes brushing my teeth, cleaning myself in general and taking my vitamins. Ok, I'll admit right now my vitamin consumption could use some help but at least I have them!

I've been getting to take time to pray and reflect on various aspects of my life via a concerted effort of repentance of my part (as has all ready been noted). What's been making things more challenging has been the fact that along with the areas that I'm genuinely needing to seek repentance - there are my own hurts to work through. My own anger, disappointment, and pain. I've been seeking that fine line of separating one from the other so that what is hurt of my own to allow God to heal doesn't get mixed up with the areas that are in need of repentance and the whole thing turns into a messy self-pitying mess. This won't help anyone, particularly myself. I'm starting to pick up from various Saints of the Church that this involves exercising mercy on my end. And this is a challenge, particularly when one has a healthy (or perhaps too healthy) sense of justice and my own desire for being on the receiving end of apologies. However, that is not forgiving nor merciful of me on my end and only causes further damage to my soul.

To be honest, I've caused more than enough of my fair share of harm to my soul and is antithetical to the Faith that I hold to where I've placed myself under the healing care of the Great Physician. I have my days of being a good patient, and then there are those days where I wonder why the restraints haven't been implemented but fact of the matter is - it's entirely my choice to either get healthy or remain sick. My Physician lets me choose either one, not forcing me to remain in my bed under His care if I don't want to be. Thing is, I know I need to be.

I get to re-evaluate my own feelings of anger when I see the damage that has been caused and the anger that is still being acted on by the individual that hurt me. Normal courses of activity withheld from because I *might* happen to stumble upon what they wrote. I'm not seeking it out at this time so as to be respectful but at the same time there are times when going about my own business - there will be some 'stumbling' upon their words. Shaking my own head in amazement in the level of anger displayed only causes me to look again at myself and my own feelings of anger and my subsequent need for repentance. By God's grace this is improving but I've got a bit of a ways to go. Praying for those who have harmed me while seeking forgiveness for the harm I have caused can be twisty-turny-confusing at times. It's that fine line once again, and getting to see how much I have truly forgiven which does give cause for pause as I will be forgiven as I have forgiven. And I seek after that. However, I also pray for those that have acted as they have to come to a true place of forgiveness for themselves for the sake of their own salvation. In the meantime, I pray for that's all I can do.

I came across a quote of St. Macarius recently about anger that says, "Recognize the root of anger and wrath: it is pride. Root it out with its very opposite, humility, with the help of God, Who looks upon the humble.

Powerful words in such a simple sentence - ouch! All the more reason to pursue humility - though not false humility for that is just as prideful - and truly to seek to forgive others. However, St. Macarius also gives these words in regards to going too far in one's pursuit of repentance by sinking to despair, otherwise known as despondency: One must first of all abstain from sin and avoid occasions leading to it, but by no means must one despair, fro despair deprives one of the hope of salvation, causes one to fall into greater sins, and is considered by God to be the most grievous sin. Ouch on the one hand - but encouragement on the other. Instead of balancing the line I previously mentioned I need to pursue this one instead - being honest about the sin in my life yet still maintaining hope for my salvation.

Which ultimately means finding better ways to live in my attitude towards myself and those around me - including those who have and will hurt me for we are all fallen human beings in need of God's grace in all of our lives. It is for me to focus on myself and my repentance and trust God with the repentance of other people. For as St. Hilarion says, "One must strive to have a good opinion of everyone. Only God is the Knower of hearts. We cannot infallibly judge people."

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners!