Graceful Warriors

I know it's been a little while since my last blog, but I've been letting myself take the time to soak some things in. Granted, I'll admit I started a blog a bit ago but at the time I realized I got to a point and I found myself with half of a thought but not an entire one. I decided to let it sit but the other part of the thought didn't come along and my browser decided it needed to quit and be restarted a la Ye Olde Force Quit. Which is fine because in the meantime God has seen fit to let that partial thought develop into other directions that couldn't have had I been hasty and not let things develop. Granted, not saying that that original thought has been resurrected but that's ok - God's been teaching me much cooler stuff. :-)

As has been previously noted repentance is a difficult path, sometimes grueling but very necessary as we go about seeking our lives in Christ and becoming more like Him as we go about fighting our fallen natures. It's with a little bit of irony that whenever it seems one area of my life has gotten to a good point - another area with its weeds, trash, and outright ugliness makes its presence garishly known. What one chooses to do with it from that point on is completely our own choice, and God is gracious to not force the tools into our hands and shove us towards getting to work. That wouldn't be graceful and far from loving. However, He also lets life events happen in ways that will bring us to face those things and deal with them one way or another out of His love for us. Sucky but true.

However of late along with the lessons I've been learning I've also started to get challenged with this: When will I forgive myself? In my Evangelical Protestant days I would have given it some thought...and once reached at what would be considered to be a 'healthy' spot I would give myself permission to step by step start to forgive myself. However, as an Orthodox Christian I'm not sure what my response to that should be. Isn't repentance sought in part by accusing myself of my sins and accounting for them as well as repenting from them so as to not give into them again? How can I repent and forgive myself at the same time as I understand it to be? This is something I will have to wrestle through and seek the wisdom of others on so as to make sure I stay on the path that I need to in regards to my repentance.

I have also gotten to learn from a group of new friends about relationships in the midst of repentance. Whether overtly because I've been able to talk with them specifically or by simply watching their example I am getting to gain a new understanding and appreciation on how to maintain godly healthy relationships in the midst of penitence for which I am thankful. However, I am less than a novice when I see/hear their lessons however I trust God is gracious and I know He will help me in this path.

Further, I got to hear a talk about how as Christians we are 'reluctant warriors' - that is, we don't want to fight, we'd rather not fight, but because we are at war. A spiritual war at that. We are all by nature peace-loving people but unfortunately we are in a fallen world going up against an enemy that doesn't eat, sleep, or take a break (as much as we wish he would, no doubt!). A war that while none of us necessarily 'volunteered' we are in it as a result of the Fall and so even reluctantly - whether it's just getting started or at times of honest fatigue - we are warriors called to fight. Thankfully, we have been given the gift of God's grace to aid us and encourage us in even the most difficult moments. Not to forget of course that we are surrounded by our fellow Christians who are either in the fight with us or have been able to take their rest from the battle field and are now cheering us on.

With that, I'd like to close with a Spiritual Psalm I got to read last night written by St. Ephraim the Syrian, titled "Send Grace To Quicken Me, As All Things Are Quickened in Spring By the Breath of Life." St. Ephraim, intercede for us!+

O Good lover of mankind! If Thy grace pours forth upon the grass, the flowers and all earthly vegetation in its time, then the more so shalt Thou grant to Thy servant that which he requests of Thee.
For the air becomes clear and the birds adorn their voices with varied melodies, singing glory to Thy great wisdom. All the earth is clothed with a rainment of many-colored flowers woven without human hands, and is glad and celebrates the holy day.
Water also my heart with the dew of Thy grace, O good Lover of mankind! Just as a sown field cannot sprout and nourish its plants without sufficient rainfall, so my heart is incapable of producing things pleasing to Thee and of bearing the fruits of truth without Thy grace.
Lo, the rain nourishes the plants and the trees are crowned with diverse flowers. May the dew of Thy grace also enlighten my mind and may it adorn my heart with the flowers of contrition, humility, love and patience.
May my prayer draw near to Thee, O Lord! Grant me Thy holy seed, that I might bring Thee a harvest of sheaves abundant in good fruits and say, "Glory to Him Who gave me this that I might bring it unto Him," and bow down to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.