I knew not whether I was in Heaven...

The report of the emissaries of St. Vladimir after they returned from Constantinople and the things they got to experience there has always filled my mind with wonder. The very first time I heard of it I seriously wondered if I ever would get to experience such a time myself. I mean, I heard it *after* becoming Orthodox and most definitely already a Christian! Not to mention of late (and by that for the last 2+ year) becoming ever increasingly aware of just how fallen I am and in need of repentance - who am I to presume I should ever be worthy of such an experience?

Today may have come the closest thus far by God's grace.

Lent with Clean Week & Ash Wednesday for 2011 found me feeling more juxtaposed than I ever have as an Orthodox Christian entering Lent. I've not looked forward to Lent only once as an Orthodox Christian, so that was not the issue this time around. I'm one of those strange ducks that actually enjoys Lent even with all of the dietary aspects & podvigs in play. I have a legal address, but it isn't home. Anyone who knows me in the slightest knows this and while even I will admit it's odd - it's also comforting.

I started Lent with my Eastern rite family and then had to fight tears to leave them for the responsibilities that God has given me for this time. Even though I knew I'd be back in mere days. Though the tears were compounded by not knowing how to start Lent with my Western rite family...but I knew God would provide the way if it were to be so.

The week's mid-week services found me not finding the diving into Lent I was needing but rather chaos. Uncertainty about portions of the Canon requiring explanations by clergy, prostrations logistically impossible even though the want and need to be on my face in prayer was present....and the list went on. How do I start this journey, dagnabbit?!? Ultimately, my own stubbornness was getting in my way (translation: my pride - me) and with some guidance I was able to smooth out the start of my Lent 2011 journey.

The week ended with my getting to spend time with both my Eastern & Western rite families. I had to stop a laugh during Vespers on Friday night as my normally very polished godmother walked up to our pew in what was obviously motorcycle riding attire, but things turned into tears of joy as she greeted me with a giant hug with warm wishes expressed - something I'd been needing but didn't realize until the moment had arrived. The fellowship after the service was as though my address weren't two hours away and it was simply good to be home. This got precluded the prior evening with getting to go to the Canon service at my Eastern rite home where I was finally able to do that which I had been needing to do all week - get on my face before God in repentance. Both halves uniting to let me take that honest Lenten look at myself and how distant I am from God, and how it's my own sin that has made it so - but getting to seek His grace so as to start closing the gap that's entirely my doing.

Then today arrived - the Sunday of Orthodoxy. Usually I don't go to many Pan-Orthodox events because while the Orthodox world may be small in SoCal....we're still more than a healthy number when we gather in one place! However, with the location being at my most favorite cathedral I couldn't resist, even with the time change stealing away a much-needed hour of sleep.

My fellow traveler and I arrived at the Cathedral early enough to be able to have ample room and time to venerate the many icons that this little cathedral has before placing ourselves where I usually stand when in attendance there with the monastic community I'm practically a member of. While admittedly I was hoping they would be there I didn't count on it in light of their schedule and other elements in play at present.

As the time passed I started seeing people I know come in and get themselves settled. The time range involving how long it had been since I'd last seen various family members ranged from hours to months. My monastic community arrived and joined my fellow pilgrim and I. People from my Western rite home arrived as did those from my Eastern rite home. People I knew from other arenas also arrived as well as people for whom this was our first time to interact - the cathedral filled up.

Then the bells announcing the Bishop's arrival started - and it was all I could to do not fully jump up and down for joy though I will confess to bouncing. Admittedly not very monastic, so that ceased. Jokes of my being in need of a tree were made once again and appreciated for the truth in them. The Bishops stood in their spots to start the service and then once underway went behind the altar.

Everything became a flow of prayer, hymnody and billowing incense as I let myself dive into the service, prayer rope in hand. New faces appeared along with familiar ones - all to worship God and celebrate the Triumph of Orthodoxy this first Sunday in Lent. With the Liturgy of St. Basil being celebrated, an already long service would be longer but that wouldn't matter as the flow of the service progressed like the angelic symphony it was. Chanting, hymnography, blessings flowed freely pausing only to let each have its place in the overall Liturgy.

Then the reason why we were all there in the first place: Communion. Altar boys setting up the tables for the prosphora and wine for those who would be receiving, young children and their parents getting in line waiting for the words, "With Faith and love draw near!" The saying in unison though from different jurisdictions the final Pre-Communion Prayer of St. John Chrysostom and then - we approached.

The times take place and they are few when I approach the Chalice and depart fully aware that Christ now dwells in me and I in Him. This was such a one. I went to partake of the post-Communion prosphora and wine, quickly demonstrating to my fellow pilgrim how this is done in Slavic-based Orthodox parishes/Cathedrals. I then went back, silently expressing my thanks for what Christ has done for us.

The Post-Communion prayers and blessings were soon followed by the rapid movement of the procession that would be taking place around the Cathedral in celebration of the Triumph of Orthodoxy. Icons previously hidden away came into full view while every Clergy member flowed out from the altar area with icons of their own. With the choir in place, the Bishops lead us out and around the Cathedral to go to the various stations and share our celebration with all of nature.

I will confess that I wish the anathemas were read at this point, but that is for the Vespers service the night before. But once back inside, we all got to say as a unified portion of the Body this portion of the Synodikon of the 7th Ecumenical Council: As the Prophets beheld, as the Apostles have taught, as the Church has received, as the Teachers have dogmatized, as the Universe has agreed, as Grace has illuminated, as Truth has revealed, as falsehood has been dissolved, as Wisdom has presented, as Christ has triumphed. This, we believe, this, we declare, this we preach: Christ our true God, and His Saints, we honor in words, in writings, in thoughts, in sacrifices, in temples, in icons. On the one hand, bowing down and worshiping Christ as God and Master. On the other hand, honoring the Saints as true servants of the Master of all, and offering them due veneration. This is the Faith of the Apostles! This is the Faith of the Fathers! This is the Faith of the Orthodox! This is the Faith, which has established the Universe!

This First Sunday of Lent is a favorite Sunday of mine because it plays a bigger role in the question I first asked when I was 11: What happened to the Church after the Book of Acts? What I have found - or rather, what God has brought me Home to - is far greater and more glorious than I could have imagined even then. I can't even begin to imagine what Heaven will be like but I know I get a glimpse of it during Liturgy when I am open to it. This year the Sunday of Orthodoxy was such a time when I left the service truly saying I knew not whether I was in Heaven or on Earth.