Seeking a Heart of Flesh

A couple of verses that I've always found to be beautifully poetic don't come from the Psalms (though the beauty found in the Psalms is nigh infinite!), but rather from the book of Ezekiel. It is where God promises that the day will come when He will provide the means to turn our hearts from stone into hearts of flesh. That He will give them to us, in fact. This is fulfilled by way of Christ's Incarnation, Passion, Death, Resurrection and Ascension when He sets right what went wrong as a result of our being deceived by the enemy in the Garden of Eden. The awesome thing about this promise that God doesn't make it once, but *twice*! How much He has always loved us...the mind boggles.

I have to admit I went most of my life convinced that I had received my 'heart transplant' when at the age of 5 I prayed the 'Sinner's Prayer' as best as a 5 yr old can. I'd hear the verses in Ezekiel in various places and be thankful for this gift; I engaged in street evangelism wanting to play a role in fulfilling this Messianic prophecy. The idea of being hard-hearted was more a 'relapse' or a sign of 'back-sliding' during that time because after all my salvation was assured as a direct result of that prayer I prayed when I was all of 5.

Then I became Orthodox.

Rather, I was Chrismated into the Orthodox Church.

Since then I've been learning how to become Orthodox and while I've learned a few things I keep getting reminded just how much more I do in fact have - and need - to learn. Not to mention relearn.

One of those things that I've been relearning is the entire concept of seeking and obtaining a heart of flesh. I heard of theosis (basically, returning back to the person I was originally intended to be had it not been for the Fall) shortly after my Chrismation and in my brand-spanking-new Orthodox (ok, learning to be Orthodox) mind that it was something I could do fairly quickly.

Oh how utterly and pridefully wrong I was.

As time went on and things started soaking in I started to realize that unlike what my background as a Protestant had taught me was that not only did things take time (and more of it) - but also effort. Lots of it. Oh, you mean works are involved with my salvation? Oh. My.

Along with this and many other aspects of my worldview changing I've slowly started coming into the very basic realization that I'm spiritually sick. Sicker than most, in fact. The person that *seems* to be worse than me outwardly? For all I know I just judged an angel in disguise who was seeking to aid in my salvation/spiritual growth and I stuck my nose up at her/him. Lord have mercy!

An aid in my pursuit of a heart of flesh has been my taking on the practice of praying the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me a/the sinner). A merging of the Prayer of the Publican and the Blind Man, this prayer has been around for many many centuries in the Church and has revolutionized the relationship that many have with Christ; including me.

I'll confess that the first time I ever heard something that suggested that maybe just maybe I in fact *don't* have a heart of flesh was a lyric in a well-known Rich Mullins song titled, "Hold Me Jesus". It's a very simple song that packs a punch in expressing those times in life where...well, as the song says it just don't make sense at all and the only thing left is dropping to one's knees supplicating Christ for His help. The lyric is, "And I wake up in the night and feel the dark it's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart". Granted, softness of the heart is implied because of the blisters referenced. However, as an Orthodox Christian I see a deeper meaning. Yes, I may have a physical heart of flesh - but there's my nous and boy has it not only given my (physical) heart blisters but I'm positive it's barely recognizable as hamburger because of how much my blackened self has abused it - by my own hand, at that.

The nous (pronounced like the word 'noose') in Orthodoxy is essentially (as best as I can uber-briefly put it) the absolute inner essence of who a person is. It is this part of us that is darkened by the sin in our lives and as we go about seeking our relationship with Christ by way of prayer, repentance and participating in the Sacraments it gradually gets cleaned up and made shiny and pure as it was meant to be. However there needs to be emphasis on the word 'gradually'. Such individuals who achieve this point are known as Saints in the Church, and for very very good reason.

I'm far from a Saint. A saint by God's grace yes but a Saint - I'm not even sure if I'm holding my instrument right in comparison to those beyond-Orchestra-quality individuals. But they are my friends and role models so I readily ask them for their assistance in my better moments.

At best it's safe to say that I'm becoming very aware now that my heart is harder than a diamond though blacker than coal. I've had times when at prayer that what I thought was a sledgehammer was in fact a cheaply-baked clay one as I'd feel it shatter against my very stony heart while at prayer. Over and over and over and....yeah. I've been reminded how distant I am from this goal each time I let someone else's attitude get to me, when I view myself as being better somehow than the person next to me, I avoid someone in need of alms even though I do in fact have spare change in my pocket, each time I excuse myself from prayer, yeah I don't feel like washing that dish...and the list goes on.

Fortunately for all of us there is God's grace. I know I can't pursue this goal on my own which is why God did what He did for all of us in sending His Son to do what He's done for all of us. It's why He's given us the Saints to look to as role models to know that yes, in spite of *everything* I've ever done to disobey God and seek after my will - I too can end up like them and not only do they support me in this they pray for me, cheer me on and even step in to provide direct assistance themselves!

Wow.

One of the things I love about Great Lent is more focus is granted to us by the Church to seek out the softening of our very stony hearts by God's grace. There are times when the battle is very pitched and I definitely know I'm up against the ropes - but then God in His mercy reminds me I'm not alone by providing ways for me to be picked up, wrapped in a blanket or two and given the needed rest and encouragement to continue in my journey towards Pascha knowing I'm far from alone in this journey. There are also times when I'm given little peeks to see how I have in fact softened a little bit and am encouraged to keep pursuing further softening and so I do. Again, in my better moments entirely by God's grace.

Will my heart ever truly soften this side of Heaven? Only God truly knows but I keep trusting the work He is doing in my life and strive in my better moments to seek out that softening so that I will in fact obtain a heart of flesh. Yes, there will be struggle and by God's grace tears - but the heart transplant can and will happen so long as I stay on the table where I need to be in the care of the Great Physician.